one of my annoying and limiting personality traits is that i am polite. incredibly, selfeffacingly, takeitonthechin polite. i have this stupid innate need for people to like me and so i don't like them to be upset. my old answer was to not confront something i disagreed with and not go after something i wanted if i wasn't sure it would work ... and this got me into trouble. it made ME be the person who was always on edge ... and i am trying to fix it.

i really don't like it when my boyfriend is upset with me, so i would, especially at the beginning of our relationship, just not tell him stuff that would be potentially trouble. not trouble with a "T" but little stuff, stupid stuff ... and he would catch it and then get upset with a "U". i have *pretty* much conquered this one ... but recognize i need to stay on top of it.

in social situations i don't like being a confrontational person, the person who disagrees or calls bullshit. hell, i hate being confrontational ever. but i am pushing myself to be more true to myself in these situations. i am learning that the dishonesty behind keeping my mouth shut does NOT smooth the way for better friendships. it only causes misunderstandings.

examples

... guy touching me in a crowd, unwanted i might add. before i would have shrunk away from him and avoided him, feeling creeped out. now i purposefully tell him in view of several people to NOT do it and that it isn't acceptable.

... got dumped by cute marine boy but the manner of dumping was a lack of communication about our next date after he had made it clear there would be one. just nothing. i dug up his email addy and, knowing it would make no difference to him, wrote him about honor and standing up for ones decisions and communicating them to others involved. i mean, he could have made up an excuse and not left me hanging and all would have been good.

... a girlfriend stops calling me. similar to above, after several months of wondering what was up ... i left a message stating i didn't know why she didn't want to talk to me, that i still considered her a friend, and maybe we could talk about it. of course she didn't call back and i still have no idea why but i made the effort to put myself out there instead of dropping it from the get go. its amazing how fast my heart will race when i am confronting a problem, even one so small as this, because it is so far outside my previous norm.

... cute boy comes in bar. i want his number. after the across-the-bar eye contact goes on for awhile (i am playing pool and he is playing shuffleboard) he walks by to observe my "game" on the way to the bathroom. i walk by and decide to have a girl power moment. i look at him over my shoulder and tell him "you are NOT leaving this bar without giving me your number." yeah, he gave it to me, but i was more proud of the manner in which i asked than the digits.

why oh why oh why didn't i learn while i was younger that these sorts of things are not hard, that they are good for you, and they can have amazingly good results. i still have to push myself to be this person i want to be. but its getting easier.